a pain that you're used to
by Morghen
Summary: When the Order can no longer find Regulus, Sirius goes to the only friend his brother had ever had: Gideon Prewett. Implied Regulus/Gideon. Companion fic to "we will be the last ones standing" which you should read before this or it probably won't make any sense. A very belated birthday present for my twinny!


The rain falls steadily outside, the drops hitting the roof in a rhythmic way. You sit at a table set for two, with a cup of tea and a cup of coffee. The steam has long left both and neither of them have been touched. You gaze over at the coffee, the fifth cup made and the fifth cup wasted. You know this is all useless, but you can't quite suffocate the last flame of hope onto which you've been holding. Not yet, at least.

A cinnamon-colored cat leaps onto the table and meows loudly. Most days you would've shooed her away, but you haven't the heart. Instead, you reach out, ruffling her soft fur, and whisper, "I know."

There's a knock at the door that sends you to your feet as soon as it reaches your ears. Your heart pounds against your chest with anticipation as you make your way over to the front door. Maybe tonight is the night. Maybe it will all be okay, as you had promised.

You quickly press your eye against the peephole and a wave of relief spreads over you, washing away all the pain and fear that had possessed you moments before. With a wide smile, you swing the door open, but who you had believed to be on the other side and who actually is are two very different people.

Well, perhaps not _very _different.

All the hope that had filled you disappears in a flash. You clear your throat, pushing away the sudden change in emotion. "Sirius, may I ask –"

Sirius barges inside your house without invitation. He looks agitated and you've never before seen him in such a state. His grey eyes scan this way and that, looking as though they've lost something that should appear in your home. Sirius looks back at you and growls, "Where is he?"

"Where's who?"

"Regulus! Where is he?"

You take a step back, your mouth tightening at the question. Normally, the eldest Black brother and you get along well over all, but you can't help but say, "Not like you care." Maybe you're just taking out the pain of disappoint with which his arrival has filled you on him, maybe you're not thinking straight, but a sort of coldness unexpectedly fills you and you can't stop thinking that all of this is Sirius' fault.

"When's the last time you saw him?" he questions, as though you hadn't said a thing.

You don't answer.

"Gideon."

"Six nights ago."

Sirius suddenly lunges for you, taking you by the shoulders and bringing you so close to him. All you can see and all you try not to think about is how he bears resemblance to his brother, how, if you were to squint, it would almost be as though someone different were holding onto you. "Where'd he go after that? Why was he here?" His voice cracks with desperation and you're shocked to see the pain on his face.

You shake your head, half because you don't think you could tell him and half because you don't believe he deserves to know.

"The Order has been tracking him and they haven't seen him for a week. They think – they think…" Sirius' sentence trails off as though he's just taken notice of the look on your visage. His complexion pales and his gaze is locked on you, but you can't look him in the eyes. "Merlin…" His voice is scarcely more than a whisper and his grip on your shoulders tightens tenfold.

You can feel the tears rising warmly in your eyes, not for the first time that day. You try to fight them back because you don't have any desire to cry in front of the other wizard, but his realization of his brother's fate is too much for you.

There's a moment of agonizing silence before Sirius is able to continue. "Did he know?"

You nod once.

His hands fall back to his sides and you're sure there'll be bruises left in their wake. He begins to pace the room, something you've seen him do in the dormitory you had once shared whenever he was bothered. "Why did he come here? Why didn't he come to me? _I'm _his brother!" The words seem to be leaving his mouth on their own accord, thoughts he never meant to say aloud, but he doesn't take notice. He goes on walking the length of your living room and back again.

And you, you aren't quite thinking when "You were never there for him" slips through your lips. Despite being hardly more than a whisper, these words stop Sirius in his tracks with the strength of a shout.

"What?"

You repeat your words, but this time they sound stronger. "You were never there for him. You could've saved him – only you – but you just ran away instead."

Sirius looks as though he doesn't know whether he wants to strike you or agree with you. His jaw slackens and his brow draws in the same exact way Regulus' does (did). "Why do you care so much?" he asks after a moment. "We all know you were just using him to piss off Fabian."

You stand rigid as his words hit you. You won't lie, you had been fighting with your twin the same day you first spoke to Regulus, but the two events weren't connected to one another. The false accusation echoes in your ears and keeps this rare, spiteful anger alive in you. You take a step closer to the other wizard, raising your hand in indignation. "I loved – I love him more than you ever did. He'd still be alive if _you_ hadn't run away to James' house and left him to your parents and you know it."

Your words hang heavy in the air and Sirius' eyes do not flicker from your own. You watch as they slowly well with tears, drowning the pain with sorrow. His jaw clenches shut, but his bottom lip still slightly quivers no matter how hard he tries to control it. "I know," he finally says, in a voice so quiet you would've blamed it on the wind if you hadn't seen the words form on his lips. "But you don't understand what I–"

"I don't understand?" You can feel your nostrils flare and your brow draw in almost automatically. "I _do _understand and I know for a fact that I would never even think about leaving Fabian like that." You breathe, you need to breathe. "I would've never left him to die, no matter how hard things got because he's my brother. And I would have died for your brother without a second thought." You pause, trying to keep the tears from your eyes and the sorrow from skewing your voice. "And I tried to save him, I really did."

Sirius steps away from you and turns from you, distancing himself from the pain of your words, from the truth of it all. He stands still for a moment and then nods his head. "Then you did what I couldn't do..." The defeat in his voice is something you never believed him capable of possessing, complete and utter defeat. He inhales deeply and slowly, trying to regain some control of his quickly shattering being, but tears run from the corners of his ghostly grey eyes. His closes them, wincing, and shakes his head, pressing a palm to his eyes and shaking his head as if that will stop him from crying. "I should go."

You don't say anything as you watch him cross the room and approach the door. From behind, it almost looks as though Regulus is leaving you all over again, but you try not to think of it that way; you have to remind yourself that he is not and never will be his brother. Sirius pauses as he takes the doorknob in his hand and then turns to face you.

He stands there, looking thoroughly uncomfortable, and then the smallest trace of a smile spreads across his trembling lips. "Thank you."

You stare silently at him, confusion etched upon your face.

He swallows and takes a breath before continuing. "For doing what I couldn't do – for loving him unconditionally."

You nod in reply, all words twisted up into the lump forming in your throat, and he leaves.

* * *

**The title is inspired by Depeche Mode's song "A Pain That I'm Used To".  
**

**Regulus/Gideon is a M&MWP pairing so please give us a mention and link your story in our forum if you use them. The more Regideon fics out there, the merrier! ;D**

**This is directly related to my other story, _we will be the last ones standing, _and probably only truly makes sense if you read that one first.  
**

**This was supposed to be a birthday present for mew, but since my other Regideon fic was much longer than I had expected, I couldn't get this done and posted in time. Sorry mew, for it being so late and for having you beta your own birthday fic... :/  
**

**But thank you, mew, for betaing and for helping me with the title! I really appreciate it! :)  
**


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